“Splendid. Another day is done and I’m at a loss for words. The leaves were withering off the trees as the November rain came pouring in through the season. I walked slowly through the park with leisure. The sound of squirrels rustling through the leaves gave me a sense of quietness.I cracked a smile, however faint it was. What seemed a gloomy day had a silver lining. I had found the reason behind my void and endless vexation. You go through life always believing the most logical and unequivocal sense of reason can guide you to the right answer. As simple as it may sound it’s not always the direct route that guides you to blissful paradise. It’s the opposite. You get courage from your fears right after you go through it. Trying to protect yourself you end up hurting those that mean the most. Running from terror gets you hurt and embarrassed. Instead…look into it… to face the monsters lurking within your heart. It may sound wrong but it feels right. Just splendid.”
via Daily Prompt: Lovingly
I want them to see what I’m doing….there’s that uneasiness and relentless anger that comes with doubt of not knowing.The kind of stoic anger that makes your blood boil in solitude. Do they see me?? What if they miss all the important things I’m doing? What if at the last minute they just catch me at my worst moments. Would they think that’s how I always am? Ah but to be a fool of my own imagination, now that would be irony in it’s cruelest form.I can’t act like this all the time, I want to be myself. I want to be someone that doesn’t mind not being noticed. To drift peacefully in a blissful melancholy of my own creation. The dream was always there, in all it’s superfluity, courage and ambiguity. I am who I am, indescribable, and yet familiar to those who know this feeling of…anguish.
via Daily Prompt: Yellow
The room was clean when he gathered his thoughts. In front of him lay a bookshelf with various types of things he’s read over the years. Some on self-help, some on business and others just for fantasy. He sat there discontent. Years of memories gathered around him as one’s room should. It had pictures of his loved ones and trophies of triumphant times long gone. There was a bottle of Don Julio with two shot glasses he had collected in his travels through Asia. He sat there alone with the night breeze his only companion. Through his mind he thought, “What was I supposed to do? It seems like a memory I should have remembered. I got to work, I aim to go to the gym and then I use whatever time I have left to figure that out. I want to do something but I don’t know what it is! It’s the imminent feeling you get when you’re so close to something but you miss the mark. Did I not say enough? Did I say too much? What was it….” He gets up. “Maybe it was to meet my soulmate…but that sounds too easy…” he muttered. “I can’t die without knowing…and I can’t bear living if that’s not where I’m going to…to find the answer I’ve been looking for.” He lays in bed to uncover the sheets and rest his head. The night has passed and the sandman has come. Slowly he reaches his hand out from under the blanket to reach for the ceiling. He grasps it firmly unveiling a tortured fist filled with a temperament of sorrow. Suddenly he relaxes his hand and collapses it next to him. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll know…” he whispers as his dream blanket his conscious.
As they wrapped their presents for the day it had crossed his mind whether this really mattered to him. As the sounds of wrapping paper surrounded them it brought along many different conversations. Mostly the anticipation of their happy faces we’re on each other’s mind. What kind of expression does a person make when they receive a gift? Does it make you happy or does the idea of it do? Theses we’re all the thoughts that had crossed his mind.
“Do you think they’d appreciate everything we’re going to give? I mean it is cold I’d figure they’d want gloves… you know?” Irma said as she cut along the lines of the wrapping paper. As Ricky taped around the edges and put bows on he muttered, “I don’t know… What’s worst is when they get upset and throw it back at your face, homeless people have a lot pride you know”. They both sat there with worried eyes yet they felt compelled to feel excitement. It was picking up outside with the winter season well into effect. As he looked outside a droplet of rain pierced the windowpane to race to the bottom. Ricky: “Was that the last one? We better get going, I don’t know if they’ll stay out when it’s raining”. Irma: “Yeah let’s go! I wouldn’t want to be out in the rain either”.
They drove around the city for about thirty minutes before seeing anyone resembling a homeless person. “How about that one??” she said.
Ricky: No…yes? I don’t know…they could be homeless or just a regular person having a bad day…”
Irma: Well that makes no sense, we can’t judge someone for being less homeless than another person, just pull over I’ll hand it to them.
He gleams back at her with a fainting smile. She was right, he thought. We can’t help them by not helping them either and if you do offend someone well then that’s just the way the world works. He turns his signal lights on as they pull over. She scurries to find the nearest supply box, while pulling down the window. “Excuse me! Uh…yes hello, we’d like to give you this gift box just as a gesture of good will, have a merry Christmas!” She can see his cold expression fade away. The gentlemen had a thick green coat the resembled a style long ago. His untamed facial featured gave resemblance to a man in the wilderness. The grey hairs on his chin gave light to his age and with callus hands he held up a sign. It read, “Anything helps, GOD BLESS”. The day was cold but the moment was the warmest he’s had in a long time. “Oh wow…you didn’t have to but thank you, god bless. I get to unwrap something this year. You guys are awesome” He said as he took the package. She smiled tenderly at him. Ricky with a straight face forced a quick smile towards him. As she rolled up the window he geared up towards the next random destination. This went on till the day was done.
“Wasn’t that nice?” She asked him as the last package was dropped off. “Yeah…it was” He responded. “And now you’re a better person for it, you did something good for someone today” she exhaled. “I don’t know about better…but we did do something good today” he said with a sad expression. In the back of his mind he knows nothing had changed. You’re going through the motions…but you’re not connecting to them, he thought as he looked at her with worried eyes. She couldn’t notice his stare as she walked inside the house. He sighs as he looks back towards the car. The rain was coming down now and there was a somber feeling in the air. He shook the idea from his mind. You did something good and that’s good right? He asked himself as she called to him from inside the house. “Yeah…that’s good…that’s good” he whispered as he walked toward the house.
“Have all the thoughts been thought?” I say as I walk past by the corner of my building. The poinsettia flowers were almost out of season this time of year. In front of me I could see the green houses that surrounded us. A small garden of red and blue assorted flowers filled the brim of the building. The green houses were about the size of a small house with a wooden entrance that you could slide open or closed. With the chips and dents the door was crying to whomever it may concern that if they dare close them it would be the last time. They were open. I could see the seeds and stems that we’re growing within each potted plant for the coming months. There were rows of them without an end in sight. A truck in the distance can be heard with its constant whirring and gravel like sound it makes when the dirt filled tires meet the floor. The sky was as blue as it could be with wispy clouds blanketing them in the background. It was calm. I stepped out on the gravel rocks around me. With their cracking and crinkling whispers, ever so slowly a thought occurred to me. Am I original? What does that even mean? Am I somebody that someone wished they could be? Or are all these thoughts already been thought? I don’t know what I don’t know I suppose as I kicked a few pieces of rocks around. A gust filled the narrow aisles and with the sudden dust it forced me to look up. With my hands in my pocked I sighed and forced a smile. It’s a beautiful day.
I can’t write the best songs. I’ll never be a famous actor. I’ll never save someone with an act of true heroism. I won’t be in the Olympics for as long as I live. I’m too short, and too old and far too slow. At the time I’m 26…what can I really do? I’m young enough to start my life but old enough to know I can only be second best. I’ll never be a concert violinist like the dreams I used to have. I’ll just be me. “I’ll just be me”, I whispered as I reached into pocket for my phone to see the time. It was 1pm. My lunch break was over and in my peripheral I could see my coworker had a question to ask me. She waved her hands with the countenance of one who’s worried.
As I gesture to reassure her I’m on my way another thought occurred. Then again…they’re also just them. They also write the best songs. They’re famous and they save lives every day. Why can’t I? Maybe…. this is why you should walk outside more often, I thought as I clocked in. As I glance outside one last time I had another thought. I never would have imagined a flower could look so stunning even when it’s wilting.
via Daily Prompt: Missing
I don’t want to lose this feeling. I thought as the seconds pass by. The sensation of feeling unbelievable. The rush of emotions. Being completely in control it’s as if the universe is at my fingertips. Can we really be this powerful? I can smile and not know why. I’m not going crazy but I don’t want to go back to being so. I wasn’t moving back then and I sure as hell wasn’t happy. Now I’m moving and I don’t know where but it makes me happy. No one likes an ocean with no waves! We may not know where that ocean will take us but admit it! We’ll die if we stay here….I’ll cherish this moment forever. With absolute terror if lost, I’ll fight till the end to protect it. Just these few precious seconds is all I need to survive. Till the next wave hits me.
via Daily Prompt: Treasure
There’s a lot to catch up on isn’t there? It took me a decade to find you again and I’m kind of glad. I thought of what I’d say to you after so many years in my head. Throughout the rest of high school and even when I got lost going into Junior College. I kept thinking, “Man…I hate goodbyes…and the one time it counted I screwed it up”. I hope you don’t or better yet….I hope you didn’t hate me afterwards. You weren’t home that day and your sister answered so I did what I could. Even when the car was running and I had no time I kept thinking I could make time. I guess that’s the way life goes huh? I’m sorry. Now that I’m an adult I still reminisce on those simpler days in Oregon. You were my only real friend out there. I wasn’t a strong kid and not particularly good at anything except when it came to playing my viola. I remember Christian used to pick on me and want to fight me for no reason. I still don’t know why, but I always felt he was bothered that we were best friends. I remember the advice you gave me to toughen up and if we fight we fight but at least there’d be respect. I finally understand what that mean
Catch me up on the years. I’ll start. I suppose since I’m writing first. I came to California. There were no Orchestras so I was bummed out and later joined the Mariachi at the school. We had vibrant days and wore our Charro suits, it was pretty fun. I played Handball by the courts. (Do you guys have that?) I graduated, and joined a non-profit mariachi for a bit while going through junior college out here. In that time frame I became a golden gloves boxer and fought in a few tournaments. I remembered at that time what it’d be like to meet you again and show you how strong I’ve become. I kept wondering, “If he could see me now!” Maybe in some ways I used some kind of imagination of meeting you again for doing some of the things I’ve done in the past. It’s almost like I wanted to become a friend you could be proud of and make up the fact I never said goodbye. I transferred to a University in Long Beach and studied Finance. It was hard but I eventually graduated. I made a lot of good friends over th
e years, and ran organizations to become a leader for those that followed suit.
I didn’t know how you were doing this whole time. I couldn’t find you no matter how hard I tried. Do you know how hard it is to find someone with a last name Gonzalez?! As I traveled around I often thought that maybe in some crazy way I’d bump into you. I’ve gone to Spain and even Africa, the world is ginormous! I just came back from dancing in China recently. To see snake charmers and visit the masterful architectural achievements this world has to offer was such an amazing experience. I’ve ridden bikes down mountain sides while seeing the ocean waves crashing next to me in Spain. I’ve ridden camels out in the Sahara Desert and camped out beneath the stars in what I could only describe in a dream. I’ve danced for thousands of people around China for a chance to represent Mexican culture in a foreign land. To meet immortality, to see temples and sculptures that were built to last forever. All of this happened.
Every now and then in the back of my mind you were there somewhere and I’d think, “I hope he’s all right, I can’t really explain all this now…It’s too much! I can barely believe it.” I became an Accountant. That’s what I want to do with my life, and a few other things. I try to emulate one of my favorite heroes, Ernest Hemingway. You know he used to box? And play in the Orchestra? I didn’t know that but he also became one of the greatest writers of all time. Participated in World War I and 2, his life was amazing. I didn’t know any of this until I truly thought about what I wanted to be in life. I want to be someone you can be proud of Ignacio. I want to see it all and know what it’s like to have it taken all way and not regret a single thing. I know I can do it! Better yet I know we can do it. Anyone can have it. It takes a lot to have it though. I learned that the hard way. That’s what I want, a life worth living.
I hope your well. I hope that I didn’t bother you in any way. I hope we’re still friends. You’re still my friend even if it has been a decade or two. We were raised in diapers together remember? I told you we’d always be friends and I didn’t need some time away to realize that.
Even if you don’t want to respond I understand “Nacho”. I just wanted to say goodbye for the first time and maybe the last. Take care for now, and yes I said your nickname…but I always knew you never liked to be called that so forgive me just one more time for old times’ sake.